During hip replacement surgery rehab…

So… there I was walking the neighborhood, like it was nobody’s business,

at a speed just north of turtle, with my ‘hiking sticks.’

A woman was walking towards me, looked at me up and down (most women do this, then call 911), then at my sticks, then my gait (recognizing that she could easily outrun me so I wasn’t the threat she initially perceived), she then concisely asked, “Back? Hip? Knee?”

I replied, concisely… “Attitude.”

 

At the swimming pool…

I was getting out of my swim lane and someone asked me if I was finished. “Yes,” I replied, “You will really enjoy it because it is three degrees warmer than any other lane… And you will float a half-inch higher.”

On the surgery table for a minor heart procedure…

The catheterization nurse introduced herself to me and explained what she was going to do (with that long, long tube). I said, “If you are going to do that to me, how about, at least, a little Barry White music before you start?

 

On the surgery table for a minor heart procedure…

“All these people for a vasectomy?” I asked.

“The last time so many hovered over me was during my fifth or sixth alien abduction.”

At discharge from surgery…

My physician told me to lift nothing heavier than five pounds for the next few days. I had some time for that comment to sink in. The next morning, my nurse was going over discharge instructions and said, “Remember, nothing heavier than five pounds.” I replied, “Well, how do you expect me to pee?” Without looking up from her keyboard she said, “You know that I am the one that removed your catheter.”

A week after surgery…

Saw my friend and she said, “Gosh, you look a lot better.” I replied, “Yeah, I bought a used kidney in Indonesia – hey, he is 80 years old and he still has one left. Anyways, ever since then, my skin tone has really brightened up.”

On being asked if I lost weight…

“Yeah, I had a penectomy – that was good for 10 pounds.”

When meeting my wife’s new friend…

I picked up my wife after her yoga class and she introduced me to her new friend April. I said, “Sure… my name is Rod, but most of my wife’s friends call me ’17.'” April asked, “Why 17?”

I replied, “Because most of them assume I am her lucky-number 17th husband.”

I paused and then added, “That isn’t the real reason. It is because that what my wife thinks my IQ is.”

Laughing with a female…

I said something funny (I know, I know… hard to believe) and the woman was laughing. I then said, “Isn’t it good to laugh with a man, instead of at a man?”

After hip replacement surgery, recovering in the hospital…

Me: “When can I get this catheter out?”

Nurse: “After you produce 250 ml of urine into the collection bag.”

Success… she pulled (ouch – felt like fine sandpaper) out the catheter and just to spite her I walked over to the bathroom to pee.

When I came back I said to the nurse, “Now I think I know how it feels when you pee with syphilis.”

At the swimming pool…

I was swimming in a mostly empty pool. A woman I frequently see, and joke with, jumped into the lane next to me and said, “It isn’t very crowded today at all.” I replied, “That is because I posted my updated STD test results on the pool’s Facebook page.”  A nervous laugh followed…

At the dentist’s office…

I have a slight crack on a tooth that has been with me for 30 years (I was out at home plate…) and the dentist was positioning to say how he could easily fix it and it would ‘look much nicer.’  I responded, “The only person who is going to care about how my teeth look is a forensic dentist.”

Before and after my cardiac ablation surgery…

Before: The cardiac ablation requires the insertion of a catheter in my groin. The technician was ‘down there’ carefully shaving an access point for the insertion.

I pretended to ‘look down’ and said, “Thank you for your superior manscaping skills. I can finally wear my fake leopard-skin maniki again.” He laughed so hard at the incongruity between my age and size, and the intended mankini audience, that I thought he was going to ‘nick’ me.

After: In order to properly assess how my heart is doing, they had to shave my chest and back to apply EKG leads. The technician wasn’t concerned about any appearance of symmetry so he just ‘cut holes’ in the hair, at various places, to allow the leads to be attached.

When I was at home I pointed to my back and said, “My physician and the medical team were prepping me for the operation. The doctor said, ‘Better call ‘Lawnmower’ and Chainsaw’ for this guy.”

I paused a bit and then added, “They both came in, Chainsaw looked at Lawnmower and said, ‘You take it.’ Lawnmower replied, ‘No, you take it!’

That is why my back hair looks the way it does.”

At the swimming pool…

From a person, I frequently see at the pool, but don’t know their name, as I was getting out, “How was your swim?” My response, “Set a record <pause> 2.875 liters.”

At the post office…

“Anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous including lithium batteries…” I reply, “Just my ego.”

At the doctor’s office…

“Just confirming your meds. Are you still taking…?” “Yes,” I replied, “except that I now take medications rectally as I read that there is enhanced absorption and a greater efficacy of the drugs when used this way.” The nurse then made the ‘pucker’ face.

At the swimming pool…

I like swimming next to the wall in the pool. I like kicking towards the wall surface and feeling the resistance bounce back. Someone said, “You always swim next to the wall, why?” I replied, “I like the turmoil, it mimics my life.” She then asked, “Do you have a lot of turmoil in your life?” “No,” I replied, “If you knew me you would understand that I don’t get turmoil <pause> I give turmoil.”

 

Visitors, learning how a bidet works…

Our friends were staying with us in Hawaii. They had never seen a bidet before.

At the swimming pool…

I was rehabbing my hip after hip replacement surgery. I was using a kickboard, water dumbbells, swim paddles and doing all sort of gyrations with them to make my legs kick harder and exercise my hip. Even a few years after my replacement, I still do this varied workout (one hip fixed, one hip left) several times a week. The person next to me said, “You have an unusual swimming program.” I replied, “Yeah, you may have originally seen many of these moves I created during my time as a Soul Train dancer…”

At our home…

My wife had a couple of her ‘yoga buddies’ over for an after-workout snack (I think they called it ‘tea’). I hadn’t them yet and my wife introduced us. I told the two visitors that, “My wife and I have pet names for each other. We like to call each other after shows we watch on TV. I call her The Princess Bride. She calls me the Deadliest Catch.”

At the swimming pool…

Normally the community swimming pool is around 80-84 degrees in the summer, but 75-80 degrees in the winter. It had been very cold, for Hawaii, for the last few nights and the pool was 74 degrees. Few people were swimming, (I know, I know, hard to feel sorry for us). As I was leaving, a person was arriving and asked, “How’s the water?”  “74 degrees,” I replied, “It is an easy number to remember because it is 3.876 times my IQ.”