So… there I was walking the neighborhood, like it was nobody’s business,
at a speed just north of turtle, with my ‘hiking sticks.’
A woman was walking towards me, looked at me up and down (most women do this, then call 911), then at my sticks, then my gait (recognizing that she could easily outrun me so I wasn’t the threat she initially perceived), she then concisely asked, “Back? Hip? Knee?”
I replied, concisely… “Attitude.”
At the swimming pool…
I was getting out of my swim lane and someone asked me if I was finished. “Yes,” I replied, “You will really enjoy it because it is three degrees warmer than any other lane… And you will float a half-inch higher.”
On the surgery table for a minor heart procedure…
The catheterization nurse introduced herself to me and explained what she was going to do (with that long, long tube). I said, “If you are going to do that to me, how about, at least, a little Barry White music before you start?
On the surgery table for a minor heart procedure…
“All these people for a vasectomy?” I asked.
“The last time so many hovered over me was during my fifth or sixth alien abduction.”
At discharge from surgery…
My physician told me to lift nothing heavier than five pounds for the next few days. I had some time for that comment to sink in. The next morning, my nurse was going over discharge instructions and said, “Remember, nothing heavier than five pounds.” I replied, “Well, how do you expect me to pee?” Without looking up from her keyboard she said, “You know that I am the one that removed your catheter.”
A week after surgery…
Saw my friend and she said, “Gosh, you look a lot better.” I replied, “Yeah, I bought a used kidney in Indonesia – hey, he is 80 years old and he still has one left. Anyways, ever since then, my skin tone has really brightened up.”
On being asked if I lost weight…
“Yeah, I had a penectomy – that was good for 10 pounds.”
When meeting my wife’s new friend…
I picked up my wife after her yoga class and she introduced me to her new friend April. I said, “Sure… my name is Rod, but most of my wife’s friends call me ’17.'” April asked, “Why 17?”
I replied, “Because most of them assume I am her lucky-number 17th husband.”
I paused and then added, “That isn’t the real reason. It is because that what my wife thinks my IQ is.”
Laughing with a female…
I said something funny (I know, I know… hard to believe) and the woman was laughing. I then said, “Isn’t it good to laugh with a man, instead of at a man?”
After hip replacement surgery, recovering in the hospital…
Me: “When can I get this catheter out?”
Nurse: “After you produce 250 ml of urine into the collection bag.”
Success… she pulled (ouch – felt like fine sandpaper) out the catheter and just to spite her I walked over to the bathroom to pee.
When I came back I said to the nurse, “Now I think I know how it feels when you pee with syphilis.”
At the swimming pool…
I was swimming in a mostly empty pool. A woman I frequently see, and joke with, jumped into the lane next to me and said, “It isn’t very crowded today at all.” I replied, “That is because I posted my updated STD test results on the pool’s Facebook page.” A nervous laugh followed…
At the dentist’s office…
I have a slight crack on a tooth that has been with me for 30 years (I was out at home plate…) and the dentist was positioning to say how he could easily fix it and it would ‘look much nicer.’ I responded, “The only person who is going to care about how my teeth look is a forensic dentist.”
Before and after my cardiac ablation surgery…
Before: The cardiac ablation requires the insertion of a catheter in my groin. The technician was ‘down there’ carefully shaving an access point for the insertion.
I pretended to ‘look down’ and said, “Thank you for your superior manscaping skills. I can finally wear my fake leopard-skin maniki again.” He laughed so hard at the incongruity between my age and size, and the intended mankini audience, that I thought he was going to ‘nick’ me.
After: In order to properly assess how my heart is doing, they had to shave my chest and back to apply EKG leads. The technician wasn’t concerned about any appearance of symmetry so he just ‘cut holes’ in the hair, at various places, to allow the leads to be attached.
When I was at home I pointed to my back and said, “My physician and the medical team were prepping me for the operation. The doctor said, ‘Better call ‘Lawnmower’ and Chainsaw’ for this guy.”
I paused a bit and then added, “They both came in, Chainsaw looked at Lawnmower and said, ‘You take it.’ Lawnmower replied, ‘No, you take it!’
That is why my back hair looks the way it does.”
At the swimming pool…
From a person, I frequently see at the pool, but don’t know their name, as I was getting out, “How was your swim?” My response, “Set a record <pause> 2.875 liters.”
At the post office…
“Anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous including lithium batteries…” I reply, “Just my ego.”
At the doctor’s office…
“Just confirming your meds. Are you still taking…?” “Yes,” I replied, “except that I now take medications rectally as I read that there is enhanced absorption and a greater efficacy of the drugs when used this way.” The nurse then made the ‘pucker’ face.
At the swimming pool…
I like swimming next to the wall in the pool. I like kicking towards the wall surface and feeling the resistance bounce back. Someone said, “You always swim next to the wall, why?” I replied, “I like the turmoil, it mimics my life.” She then asked, “Do you have a lot of turmoil in your life?” “No,” I replied, “If you knew me you would understand that I don’t get turmoil <pause> I give turmoil.”
Visitors, learning how a bidet works…
Our friends were staying with us in Hawaii. They had never seen a bidet before.
At the swimming pool…
I was rehabbing my hip after hip replacement surgery. I was using a kickboard, water dumbbells, swim paddles and doing all sort of gyrations with them to make my legs kick harder and exercise my hip. Even a few years after my replacement, I still do this varied workout (one hip fixed, one hip left) several times a week. The person next to me said, “You have an unusual swimming program.” I replied, “Yeah, you may have originally seen many of these moves I created during my time as a Soul Train dancer…”
At our home…
My wife had a couple of her ‘yoga buddies’ over for an after-workout snack (I think they called it ‘tea’). I hadn’t them yet and my wife introduced us. I told the two visitors that, “My wife and I have pet names for each other. We like to call each other after shows we watch on TV. I call her The Princess Bride. She calls me the Deadliest Catch.”
At the swimming pool…
Normally the community swimming pool is around 80-84 degrees in the summer, but 75-80 degrees in the winter. It had been very cold, for Hawaii, for the last few nights and the pool was 74 degrees. Few people were swimming, (I know, I know, hard to feel sorry for us). As I was leaving, a person was arriving and asked, “How’s the water?” “74 degrees,” I replied, “It is an easy number to remember because it is 3.876 times my IQ.”
In News From National Parks
This Really Shouldn’t Have To Said, But… Don’t Pee In Old Faithful
09/24/2018 Man Who Peed Into Old Faithful Update: (Hard to believe it could get any worse but…): Gabriel Villalva was arrested for wandering dangerously close (and peeing into) to Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park on Friday faces additional charges after a police chase in Wyoming’s capital city. Villalva, 27, led officers on a 15-minute chase through the city, driving through the Cheyenne Country Club golf course, striking a police car and swerving toward an officer who was attempting to lay stop sticks, Malatesta said. No bystanders were injured in the chase, Malatesta said. Villalva ran over the spikes and eventually came to rest at a fence, then Villalva continued to spin his flat tires, causing a shower of sparks to engulf his car in flames.
Malatesta said Villalva initially refused to get out of the burning car, and when he did, he was uncooperative with officers and would not step away from the flames. Police sent a sample of Villalva’s blood to a lab to test for substances, and the case remains under investigation, Malatesta said.
A spokesperson for Yellowstone National Park said rangers arrested Villalva on Sept. 14 after he walked on the cone of Old Faithful. Warthin said Villalva was charged with multiple violations, including being off-trail in a thermal area, but was released on bail. Warthin said the national park takes cases like Villalva’s seriously because geysers and hot springs are “incredibly” dangerous, and many people have been killed or injured because they underestimated that danger.
09/21/2018 Man Who Peed Into Old Faithful Update: The man accused of peeing into Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park now faces additional charges after a police chase. Police said Thursday that they arrested 27-year-old Gabriel Villalva of Greeley, Colorado, using spike strips. Police say they stopped Villalva after a 15-minute chase Wednesday. They say he spun his wheels and his SUV caught fire. Throughout Wednesday afternoon, police received numerous calls regarding a gold SUV driving recklessly throughout town, CBS Cheyenne affiliate KGWN reports.
Yellowstone National Park rangers cited Villalva for walking off boardwalks and peeing into the geyser. Villalva was jailed Thursday and couldn’t be reached for comment.
At least we know both man and geyser expel themselves every 35 minutes to 2 hours.
If Do The Piss, You End Up Like This.
Yellowstone Retaliates? Long-dormant hot spring erupts near Old Faithful. A hot spring in Yellowstone National Park has erupted, spewing steam and water between 20 and 30 feet high.
The eruption in Ear Spring, named for its resemblance to a human ear, is the fourth in the last 60 years. The 30 feet phenomenon until now had not been recorded since 1957 and following the eruption, the hot spring has continued to blow up at a height of approximately two feet. The hot spring near Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park is among Yellowstone’s top attractions and last erupted in 2004.
Boardwalk Closed (But Will That Stop The Peeing Man?) A boardwalk has been closed due to the activity in an attempt to prevent people from being injured by boiling water splashing on the trail.
In National Park (And Volcano) News: Man crosses Yellowstone safety barrier (the observation benches are over 300 feet from the geyser) to urinate in Old Faithful.
Stunned visitors to Yellowstone National Park witnesses a man walk to the edge of Old Faithful, peer down and then, reportedly, urinate into the supervolcano geyser. Upon successfully completing his discharge, he then lies down next to the geyser (probably wondering if he should attempt a second (#2) session into his newly christened ‘honey bucket.’
The tourists were ‘‘relieved’ to find out he was OK.
Here is the news video clip (the clip isn’t great, but you get the idea) – don’t try this at home.
Old Faithful Is Just Like Us – It Is Slowing Down – So Why Did The Man Urinate Into Old Faithful? Maybe he thought the liquid reservoir needed a little replenishing for its’ next eruption. Old Faithful’s intervals range from 35 minutes to 2 hours. Visitors expecting hourly eruptions are often surprised when they have to wait up to two hours.
Yellowstone Superintendent Dan Wenk said: “We take these cases very seriously. The law requires people to stay on boardwalks or marked trails in thermal areas. Anyone who ignores this law risks their life and possibly the lives of emergency personnel.”
The Yellowstone website states: “Stay on boardwalks and trails in thermal areas. Hot springs have injured or killed more people in Yellowstone than any other natural feature. ”
The same man was also reportedly filmed a second time at another geyser.
This Really Shouldn’t Have To Said, But… Don’t Pee In Old Faithful
At least we know both man and geyser expel themselves every 35 minutes to 2 hours.
If Do The Piss, You End Up Like This.
In National Park (And Volcano) News: Man crosses Yellowstone safety barrier (the observation benches are over 300 feet from the geyser) to urinate in Old Faithful.
Stunned visitors to Yellowstone National Park witnesses a man walk to the edge of Old Faithful, peer down and then, reportedly, urinate into the supervolcano geyser. Upon successfully completing his discharge, he then lies down next to the geyser (probably wondering if he should attempt a second (#2) session into his newly christened ‘honey bucket.’
The tourists were ‘‘relieved’ to find out he was OK.
Here is the news video clip (the clip isn’t great, but you get the idea) – don’t try this at home.
Old Faithful Is Just Like Us – It Is Slowing Down – So Why Did The Man Urinate Into Old Faithful? Maybe he thought the liquid reservoir needed a little replenishing for its’ next eruption. Old Faithful’s intervals range from 35 minutes to 2 hours. Visitors expecting hourly eruptions are often surprised when they have to wait up to two hours.
Yellowstone Superintendent Dan Wenk said: “We take these cases very seriously. The law requires people to stay on boardwalks or marked trails in thermal areas. Anyone who ignores this law risks their life and possibly the lives of emergency personnel.”
The Yellowstone website states: “Stay on boardwalks and trails in thermal areas. Hot springs have injured or killed more people in Yellowstone than any other natural feature. ”
The same man was also reportedly filmed a second time at another geyser.
Quick Summary: Amazon Prime Day Shopping Tips, Secrets, Strategies
Add items that you ‘might be interested in buying’ onto your wishlist. I frequently get ‘price drop’ alerts this way.
Buy your Amazon Lightning Deals right away, then research pricing, and cancel the order.
Create a tab that has the Amazon deals just for the categories you prefer (see image below), i.e., hiking, sports, Kindle, etc. In this way, you are ready to go. Nobody likes a slow Amazon shopper.
Get the Amazon Mobile App – go into the “Settings” option in your Amazon app, and choose the ‘notifications option to enable and disable alerts.
Look for Amazon-branded (Amazon Basics) items – they often are cheaper. That includes things like electronics, kitchen items, bedding, luggage, well, you get the idea.
Don’t be an irrational retail moron. My sister-in-law scoffs at me for visiting WalMart citing all kinds of things she believes to be true, then she goes to Target and buys many of the same items at a higher price. It is the same with Amazon… maybe you want to buy local, but Amazon is so much cheaper (and easier). If your personal ethics won’t allow you to shop at Amazon, then you shouldn’t be reading this page. If you want to send me a nasty note, see the bottom of this page.
An Amazon chat rep once told me, “The only way I know to receive price change alerts in the full website is by adding the item to the shopping cart and leaving it, and you will receive notification at the top of the cart if the price is lower or higher.” Of course, you have to navigate the checkout carefully when purchasing other things.
Just so you know, I screwed up on most of these lessons so you don’t have to make the same mistakes.
WHAT IS AMAZON PRIME DAY? On it most basic level, Amazon Prime is:
A way to appeal to you, I say ‘you’ because, as of 2017, there were approximately 80 million Amazon Prime members in the United States. Industry sources estimate that 60 percent of Amazon customers in the United States were Amazon Prime members.
A way to sign up non-prime customers to become Amazon Prime members (The average Prime member spends $1,700 a year on Amazon, $1,000 more than non-members, according to a consumer survey by Statista.)
It really isn’t a ‘day’ as the fourth annual Prime Day will last 36 hours – giving you more time to shop.
A way to allow consumers to spend more. Prime Day is an additional ‘buy’ day, much like the other monster shopping days Black Friday, Cyber Monday, July 4th, Labor Day and lessor days such as Portuguese Water Dog day and Strawberry Ice Cream Day.
In short, Amazon Prime Day is a way to optimize the full American capitalism spirit by pitting retailers against each other, allowing you to buy great deals (and thus spend more money at Amazon). BTW – wet your alarm clock to 3:00 p.m. Eastern on Monday, July 16 and goes through Tuesday, July 17.
SO, IF YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND YOUR MONEY, HOW DO YOU OPTIMIZE YOUR PURCHASES? Here are XXXXXXXX kjlk;j;
Understand The Game – Know The Players: The site will offer two kinds of deals — spotlight and lightning. Spotlight sales are sales on the site for longer stretches of time. Amazon Lightning Deals (my favorite) are short-term flash deals that are only available one per customer. A Spotlight Deal is different from a Lightning Deal because these are items that have the most inventory and the best savings. Lightning Deals are unique because they last only for a finite number of minutes each and so only run for a limited time. Here is the Amazon Spotlight Deals main page.
Use The Thunder & Lightning Technique For Lightning Deals: Have you ever gone to a Costco and found something that wasn’t on your list (10 LED light bulbs, paddleboard, etc.) and thought, “Hmm, maybe I should buy that.” Then you didn’t buy it, but a few weeks later you decide to now purchase, you go back to Costco, and, it’s gone. Amazon Lightning Deals are the same way as they are only available for a limited time period or until they sell out. Your ‘Thunder & Lightning’ technique is when you see a deal click (thunder) as fast as you can and buy it (lightning) as soon as you can.
Amazon Tip – There are about 40 Amazon departments that offer Lightning Deals. I select just a few to monitor, electronics for me, kitchen and sports for my wife. Just check those boxes and bookmark the page.
Amazon Tip – Shop Early, Shop Often: Deals change frequently so I have been known just to keep a separate tab open for the Amazon Lightning Dealsand refresh it from time to time.
Amazon Tip – You can buy a lightning deal, then cancel it before it ships. This gives you a chance to control the price, but then do price comparisons to ensure that it is a ‘good deal.’
Amazon Tip – If you miss a Lightning Deal, join the waitlist in case more items become available.
How To Ferret Out The Best Prices: The lowest prices will be on Amazon-branded created collections, Amazon now boasts “dozens” of private brands (Amazon Basics) — names that both promote the company (AmazonBasics, Amazon Essentials) and downplay the connection as not to totally alienate their sellers that they soon will do away with (Much like Uber investing in self-driving cars will do away with Uber drivers).
Don’t mistake my tone for distaste – I buy quite a bit at Amazon.
Find ‘Stuff’ You Want To Buy And Save It To Your Wish List: I frequently have been looking for something, say ‘hiking sticks’ but wasn’t ready to buy so I saved them to my Amazon wishlist (click hereto learn how to create an Amazon wishlist). Then a few weeks later I receive a notification that the item has a lightning sale going on.
Amazon Tip – Add all your favorite browsing items to your wish list and be alerted when they go on sale.
Make Alexa Do The Work: If you have an Alexa device, then you can let Amazon’s A.I. assistant do some of the busywork for you. Just ask Alexa what Prime Day deals are available and she’ll handle the heavy lifting, sniffing out the current and upcoming offers for you. Amazon likes to give Alexa users special treatment (sadly, it is akin to the theory, you give a bit of ‘good stuff’ for free and then they will pay for it when they are hooked), so some deals may only be available for order through an Alexa-enabled smart device.
Amazon Tip – If you don’t have an Alexa device you probably should buy an Alexa enabled device – not because it is the greatest thing ever (it is pretty good – but mostly setting timers, playing songs, finding recipes, making a call), but because you need to learn how to navigate the voice control world before the next generation takes off. Of course, the world needs people who love BetaMax tapes, paperbacks, landline phones and similar items that are dying or have died.
Amazon Tip – Get your address book and Amazon wallet updated. Be sure to delete any old cards or addresses – I know this because I once shipped a five-pound food order to my PO Box.
Amazon Tip – If your Amazon package is late, chat with an Amazon customer service rep. Amazon will give you a free month of prime anytime your shipment arrives late. Sometimes they will give you an Amazon dollar credit. Just ask for it.
Amazon Tip –Get the Amazon Mobile App – go into the “Settings” option in your Amazon app, and choose the ‘notifications option to enable and disable alerts. Amazon recommends signing up for lightning deal alerts on the Amazon app.
What If You Don’t Have (or don’t want) An Amazon Prime Account? You can still buy. One of the best tips for anyone without a Prime account is to sign up for an Amazon Prime account and then you can cancel your Amazon Prime account within 30 days. Prime subscriptions begin with a month-long free trial (six months for students). Not exactly the right way to game the system, but some do. Which means, even if you hate Amazon, you can still crush them with your purchase on Amazon Prime Day.
Amazon Gamer? If you have already ‘gamed the system,’ there is still another angle – The free trial month is only open to customers who haven’t had Prime within the past 12 months. If you fall into that category, you can sign up for a one-month Amazon Prime membership for $13.
Amazon Chat Rep Secret Tip: An Amazon chat rep once told me, “The only way I know to receive price change alerts in the full website is by adding the item to the shopping cart and leaving it, and you will receive notification at the top of the cart if the price is lower or higher.” Of course, you have to navigate the checkout carefully when purchasing other things. Items can be moved to the ‘saved for later’ section of the cart to prevent accidental purchases.
‘Irrational Retail Moron’ Hate Email: If you didn’t like anything on this page, especially the ‘irrational retail moron’ comment, just copy the below and can send it to me.
Begin Email Template
< Dear | Hey Moron0! | Really? | Duh >
“Hey U ar the moron. Don’t you kno that amazoan is killing american businessesss. I only shop <mispell name of retailer> and never woudl buy anything from amaoan. Oh, what? They have my favoirt online game for half price? Let me lok at that. You a moron still.”
You are < clearly wrong | so clueless | completely plagiarizing > your writing on < enter whatever it is here > because < I am so much smarter than you and I will prove it right here | you have no basis-in-fact because I understand the law after being serverd three temporary restraining orders | your theory was disproved before Copernicus >.
< Furthermore |Therefore | Whatfore (Gawd, is that even a word?) > and this is why I comment, say, TELL you this: < I am an expert – you obviously aren’t | you offered a poorly constructed position lacking foundation | did you really go to college? | my tin foil hat voice told me to write you as I peer through your office window >. You must be one of those < (pick any political party) | (pick any religion) | (pick any group discriminated against) >.
End Email Template
And for my mobile fans…
Begin Mobile Email Template
< HAY | Reallly/? | s’up >
U so <wroongg | stoopid U > why u < not ask me | so dum | steel my idea >? Git < life | out | smarrter > < u suk | uOK > WE goood? bro??
