A Visit To My Dentist’s Office – “Best Vasectomy Ever”

My adventure started out like a whimsical Dr. Seuss story. I had lots of nervous energy so I was commenting on many items.

The dental assistant walks in to ‘prep’ me. She was wearing a glossy, plastic-like shoe. I asked her if that was to allow her to clean up the blood spillage more easily. She said, “Don’t worry, there won’t be any blood today.”  So, I replied, “Are they red to hide the blood splatter?”

Ignoring me, then glancing at my medical record, she says, “I see you had your hip replaced. Did you remember to take Amoxicillin today?”

“Why, yes,” I replied with a straight face. “For greater absorption efficacy I took them rectally.” I was determined to make her wince or roll her eyes.

There is some kind of liquid in a 2-cup jar; almost like a formaldehyde solution that would be used to preserve a patient who bit through their tongue. I looked at the clear, lightly greenish/yellowish tinge fluid, pointed and said, “You don’t have to worry now. I put all my fear in that jar.”

The dentist finally arrives, looks at the film, pauses and says, “Well, it is going to be a fun day. We are going to have to do a root canal.” Hmm, I guess any day where you can make $1,500 in two hours can be classified as ‘fun.’

root canal

Immediately I flashed on a long-forgotten scene from a movie. Sadly, my procedure as long as the movie.

First thing he did was prepare a ‘dental dam.’ He said it was to protect ‘shrapnel’ and ‘fluids’ from going into my mouth. I think it was to muffle my screams of anquish.

With the dental dam firmly in place, I was told that I couldn’t speak, but to raise my hand if there was an issue. Since I couldn’t talk, the dentist monopolized the conversation. I heard stories of travel and marital bliss as well as discussions with his assistant about her family members.

With a few pronouncements such as, “You are doing great,” and “Almost done (starting at about 25% the way through the procedure),” I sat through the adventure – unable to speak.

Finally, one last x-ray…

Finally, really, finally, I had the dental dam removed, got to rinse my mouth out and the dentist asked me how I was doing.

“That was my fourth vasectomy – best vasectomy ever,” I replied.

He looked at me quizzically, then played along when he said, “Well, sometimes they grow back.”

vasectomy growing back